Heading back to the office

We all do it. There’s something about the layout, and the weirdness of working in proximity to so many people, that we become territorial and cagey.

“Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.” — Anonymous

With so many people working from home during the pandemic, I imagine the folks who’ve now had to return to the office are experiencing a lot of culture shock.

Because when you think about it, the office setting is kind of an unnatural construct.

A whole bunch of people sitting in cubicles like kids in detention, or with their desks separated by a requisite amount of floor, cordoned off from other departments with flimsy dividing walls that don’t always baffle the sound.

Everyone wants their own space, so they are über protective of the territory they do have and the possessions they display on their desks.

“Hey! Who moved my avocado plant? I had that facing the window!”

“Did somebody adjust my chair? It’s ergonomic!”

“Who’s got my stapler? Did you see it? It has my name taped to the side.”

We all do it. There’s something about the layout, and the weirdness of working in proximity to so many people, that we become territorial and cagey.

There’s a strange sense of intimacy. You get to observe people’s habits and irritating quirks (and they yours), interacting in ways that you normally would only with your cat or the person you live with.

Think about it: when was the last time you spent so much time in close quarters with a bunch of people who weren’t your classmates?

That’s right, when you were growing up at home. But at home the rules are different, and there are blood ties that prevent you from being overtly hostile and judgey with each other.

Not so in the office. There, you don’t always see people’s neuroses and idiosyncrasies as being charming and forgivable. Your co-worker is not your eccentric but lovable Uncle Mac who sometimes has a bit too much to drink and weeps his way through show tunes.

No, the office is a different beast altogether.

Just think about the artificiality of office etiquette.

Jerry Seinfeld joked about it in the 1990s:

When you show up in the morning, you say “hi” to everyone. And then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.

You walk in at the start of the day. ‘Morning, Bill. Morning, Bob. How are you doing?’

‘Fine.’

Ten minutes later you see them in the hall, again you say, ‘Hey, how you doing?’

I already know how he’s doing. I just saw him.

But you’ve got to keep saying something each time you pass…

And then there’s the lunchroom — a sacrosanct space with its own strict rules.

Oh, the microwave banter is always jovial — “You having soup? That’s some nice-looking soup you have there!” “Did you make that sandwich yourself, Joan? Boy that looks good. Better than the crappy store-bought one I have here.”

But don’t be fooled — and heaven help the newbie.

There are strict, unspoken protocols that you flout at your peril.

Thou shalt not reheat fish in the microwave.

That shalt not crowd space in the communal fridge with a humungous lunch bag.

Thou shalt not use someone else’s creamer in your coffee without strict permission.

Thou shalt not leave dirty dishes in the sink.

That last one is especially important. Break that rule and, all of a sudden, the years of pent-up rage that someone has been feeling towards a sloppy roommate or an unkempt spouse erupts like a sleeping dragon.

You come in the next day to see a sign taped to a cupboard in screaming block letters: DIRTY DISHES LEFT IN THE SINK WILL BE SMASHED AND THROWN IN THE GARBAGE. WHAT AM I, YOUR MOTHER???!!!!

It’s a manners minefield. A place where people can be ostracized for their ringtone, the loudness and duration of their personal phone conversations, the amount of water they leave splashed around on the bathroom sink, or the miserliness of their Secret Santa gift.

It’s a place where grudges are nursed like a couple of fingers of single-malt scotch in a crystal tumbler.

(“You know Lulu, from sales? Back in ’96 she ate a couple of sandwiches off a tray that had been delivered for our board meeting. She says she thought they were for everyone.”

“Are you serious? Unbelievable!”) Welcome back to the office. And at the end of the day, you’ll put on your coat and wave a cheerful goodbye.

“Have a nice night everyone! See you tomorrow.”