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Challenging to move on

ELLIE TESHER ellie@thestar.ca @ellieadvice

Q– I’m five years out of a separation/divorce from my ex. I was together with her for 23 years. She left me without any warning, and I later found out it was with my exfriend.

The break-up and ensuing relationship was very tense and has been verbally abusive.

Soon after, I met a wonderful woman and overall, I feel very happy with her. As time has moved on, I am still haunted by memories of my ex and have warm feelings for her (as the break-up was not my choice).

I know everyone has moved on, but these feelings are conflicting my thoughts about my current relationship. I don’t wish to break up this new relationship, but sometimes it doesn’t “feel” right, and I question a long-term commitment to her (marriage/ moving in together, etc.)

I do love her but in a different way from my ex. I’m not sure if these conflicting feelings about my old and new relationship is enough to break up with this wonderful woman.

Between Two Women

A- Your confusion has ignored the fact that you haven’t been offered a choice. Your wife left for another man, and you mention ongoing verbal abuse between you two.

So, it seems that what’s going on in your mind and memories is a reflection on your relationship life and choices.

That’s a good thing. You need to spend some time focusing on yourself, past and present, not on the two women you’ve loved.

Not everyone needs or works well with a therapist, but I believe it’s a route you must take and that it’ll benefit you, making your present and future clearer.

Your wife’s sudden departure for another man was devastating. Only now, five years later and settled with another woman, you can remember the previous good times and feel conflicted when comparing the two women.

Now, an experienced therapist can help you reflect on that first marriage and what each of you contributed to the good times and to the not-so-good times.

You’ll also get insights about the kind of future you want and need.

You’ve mostly been lucky in your partners (until the break). It’s time to know yourself and your needs at this age, before you make changes for your future.

CULTURE

en-ca

2022-01-25T08:00:00.0000000Z

2022-01-25T08:00:00.0000000Z

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