SaltWire E-Edition

Value self-worth when seeking love

ELLIE TESHER ellie@thestar.ca @elliedadvice Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.

I’m a woman, 39, single and wondering why I’m still alone.

I was married briefly at 20. My high-school boyfriend was going away to university, and I convinced him that we should elope so that my parents couldn’t win their struggle to keep us apart.

They believed we were both not ready for marriage and were proven right when my now-ex had a blatant affair with someone in his class. I was so distraught and mortified that I didn’t return to university for five years.

Meanwhile, I got a good job in a mostly-male industry and met a number of married men who sought me out for affairs. I was an easy catch.

It was a time when my single girlfriends and I believed that casual sex was our right as feminists. (We forgot to care about the feminist wives who were being cheated on).

After several such relationships, I met someone who was legally separated. I fell for him and thought it was mutual. But he announced one day that his kids’ changed behaviours had convinced him that he must give his marriage a second chance. We’d only dated for four months, but I felt the loss deeply. I went back to school, graduated and had my first serious love relationship, living together for a decade. We talked about marrying but he got a serious illness and felt he couldn’t commit to a life in which I’d end up being his caregiver. He moved out and has since died.

Now, after COVID-19 made dating difficult and worrying, I need fresh understanding of what I should be looking for in a life partner.

— Seeking Love that Lasts A— Your parents meant to save you from the heartache you soon experienced, but instead, they inadvertently turned you into someone who reacts.

Your ex-spouse cheated on you, so you had no conscience about having affairs with cheaters. Your post-divorce story could’ve ended up much lonelier, if your inner drive and self-worth (the positive influences from your upbringing) hadn’t helped you experience good men, too, and enjoy a 10-year live-in relationship. Whether you meet through friends, by chance, online through dating apps, even a matchmaker if you can afford the fee, the following applies in all cases: Take time to get to know someone a while, look for shared interests, commit to telling each other about your most essential needs and wants in a relationship and include feeling mutual respect and trust in your list.

CULTURE

en-ca

2021-07-24T07:00:00.0000000Z

2021-07-24T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://saltwire.pressreader.com/article/281758452315848

SaltWire Network