SaltWire E-Edition

Open-mindedness key to raising gender-neutral kids

Children are not always who their parents expected them to be and embracing that requires the right approach

MEGHAN DEWAR SPECIAL TO SALTWIRE NETWORK meghan.dewar@eastlink.ca

Patrick Guindon was at a health appointment with his oldest son. Someone was filling in for their regular specialist and nearing the end of the appointment, referred to Guindon’s long- haired son as ‘young lady.’

His son, facing away from the doctor, smirked.

“What is wrong with this doctor,” Guindon thought.

Immediately after the doctor left the room, Guindon asked, “Do you want me to correct somebody in a situation like this? Do you know you have the right to correct them, as well? How do you feel about this?”

“No, you don’t have to correct them, it’s just weird. Like, why does he have to say young lady? I’m just a person,” his eight-year-old son replied.

Patrick and Steph Guindon of Montague, P.E.I. have raised their four children with the message that, first and foremost, they are people. This is imperative to using a gender-neutral parenting approach.

“When starting a family, we never found out what we were going to have because we knew it wouldn’t impact how we decorated a nursery,” said Patrick. “We didn’t want to provide an identity for a kid before we even met them, so we waited until we met the baby and then we named the baby.”

They both grew up breaking gender norms, enjoying activities that were traditionally labelled opposite their gender, so they knew they didn’t want to inflict that binary on their kids.

They emphasize communication in order to cultivate a warm, safe, loving environment for themselves and their children.

“I always knew I wanted to have open, honest relationships with the children when they were young,” Steph said. “Even if they had hard questions, I knew we wouldn’t avoid them until they were older. We would find ways that were appropriate for their age to answer questions about gender.

“It’s been quite amazing to have these conversations with our kids and have a high level of comfort when talking about gender or attraction.”

An important element of genderneutral parenting is to not use gendered or presumptuous language, which has been a learning curve for both of them.

“I’m working hard to remove some of the programmed gender references that I grew up with, like by saying, ‘okay boys, lets go,’ which I do all the time,” said Patrick. “I’m aware that, as they grow, if they don’t happen to identify with that, then I may be sending out signals that aren’t appropriate.

“You hear a lot of parents talk about, ‘oh your boyfriend or your girlfriend,’ but we’ll try to say ‘whoever you love,’ or ‘whoever your partner is,’ or ‘whoever you choose to be with, if you choose to be with anyone.’ Just giving them a lot of open-ended phrases, so that they understand that they can identify in any way that’s honest to themselves and it’s perfectly normal here.”

AN ONGOING LEARNING PROCESS

Maryann Marriott didn’t take a gender-neutral parenting approach from the get-go. It was when her oldest child, Finn, came out as transgender five years ago that she discovered how much more important it is to love a child for who they are and not who she expected them to be.

The 55-year-old from Queensland, N.S. has two children, Julian, 18, and Finn, 20.

“I’ve always given my kids a lot of room to be themselves and express themselves,” she said. “When I became a parent, my ultimate goal was to keep them safe and help them become functioning adults and be able to navigate the world.

“But you quickly realize your kids don’t fit the structures of society.”

When Finn came out as a transgender male at 15-years-old, it was the start of a long, slow process for Marriott.

“I always accepted my kids for who they were, so I wasn’t upset at all,” she said. “I was relieved that he had open communication with me, but I was a little confused because I didn’t fully understand and a little afraid for him because of the stigma at the time.

“I needed to be incredibly openminded and just started asking a lot of questions and learned as much as I could, so I could understand. It’s a long process and, for me, I went through a grieving period where I grieved the loss of my daughter and had to transition that into the fact that I now had two boys.”

Marriott still feels she’s in the process of learning to be a parent to a transgender child and that it may be a never-ending one, but it has led her to be a more open-minded and understanding person.

“It’s easy to be in victim mode and get sympathy,” she said. “It’s a whole lot more difficult when you accept

something and talk about that acceptance, even though a part of you still struggles with it, because it personally helps you grow and expand your awareness.

“I’m way more comfortable than I was, but I still hear words and phrases that I don’t understand and have to ask questions or research. As we evolve and people start to express themselves, there are new terms and levels, so it’s definitely an ongoing process.”

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Advocating for their children has been one of the more challenging elements of gender-neutral parenting, say Marriott and the Guindons.

“The part that goes most out of my comfort zone is having those hard conversations with other adults, people who are not necessarily as open to the spectrum of gender and sexuality,” said Steph Guindon. “Our oldest child wanted a pink tractor and that was just baffling for some people who were close to us and they were trying to correct him to his face about how he should not want a pink tractor.”

The Guindons embrace being gentle with themselves as they navigate parenthood and encourage others to do the same.

“Parenting is incredibly difficult in ways that aren’t even quantifiable and we certainly have very little idea as how to do it really well,” said Patrick. “But we do have really good communication with our kids and I do think that’s a key foundation.”

SOME HELPFUL READING

For parents of younger children, the Guindons recommend picture books as an entryway to gender-neutral parenting, such as:

■ “Rebel Girls” by Bindi Irwin

■ “Dear Boy and/or Dear Girl” by Paris Rosenthal and Jason Rosenthal

■ “Stories for Kids Who Dare to be Different” by Ben Brooks

■ “Pink is for Boys” by Robb Pearlman

■ “All Bodies are Good Bodies” by Charlotte Barka

■ “A Family is a Family is a Family” by Sara O’leary

■ “Julian is a Mermaid” by Jessica Love

Health

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2023-03-27T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-27T07:00:00.0000000Z

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