‘Only feeling love’: A woman became a mom thanks to sister's surrogacy

Sylvia Berrey dreamed of being a mother, but for her, getting there was a harder journey than most women travel.

Berrey struggled with infertility, and medications did not work for her.

The thought of not being able to have her own children nearly broke the Kentville,

N.S. woman. It led to suicidal thoughts, Berrey says.

“I felt like I failed my husband. I felt like I failed myself,” she says of that dark period in her life.

Then, one day, her sister told Berrey she would act as a surrogate, saying she just wanted Berrey to be happy and stop crying.

Using her sister Joanne Agnew’s egg and a sperm donor, baby Will was born.

"When I see my sweet boy, I love my sister for that," says Berrey.

Will is now a healthy and happy 12-year-old boy who loves biking and basketball. He brings so much joy to his family, his mom says.

'VERY HARD EMOTIONALLY'

Although Agnew was happy to help her sister's dream of motherhood come true, she's honest and open about how difficult it was as well.

At first, Agnew, who already had three children of her own, thought she would struggle with witnessing baby Will’s firsts. And, says the Milton, Ont. woman, for the first few months, she did.

When baby Will was two weeks old, he left for the airport to go home with his parents to Nova Scotia. Agnew remembers sitting on her sofa and sobbing.

“The next few months were very hard emotionally. I had to cut off all communication with my sister,” says Agnew.

Although Berrey would send letters and photos, Agnew would quickly look at them before tucking them away. It wasn’t until six months later that she turned the corner.

“I was able to open my heart again to sweet little Will,” she says, noting how she quickly booked a ticket to Nova Scotia for a visit.

“I remember holding him a lot and only feeling love. He was always Sylvia and Wallace’s baby from that point on,” she says.

Agnew says she had to grieve before she could accept the beauty of Will and the gift he was to their entire family.

WHAT IS SURROGACY?

Every person has a right to become a parent via third-party reproduction, regardless of their ethnic origin, religion, age, marital status, gender or sexual orientation, says Sally Rhoads-Heinrich, owner of Surrogacy in Canada Online.

Rhoads-Heinrich began this organization to provide information, referrals and support to Canadians involved with third-party reproduction. The website was created as a journal for the intended parents when she was a surrogate for twins and has since grown from there.

"Surrogacy can be the best option - and is often the only option - for an infertile couple to have their own genetically related child," says RhoadsHeinrich.

The waitlist for adoption can be over seven years long and can leave many couples feeling like they would never get the call about a child, she adds.

'Surrogacy' refers to an arrangement where a woman agrees to become pregnant to gestate and give birth to a child for others to raise, explains Rhoads-Heinrich. The woman may be the child's genetic mother or not, depending on the type of arrangement agreed to by both parties.

The government estimates there are 400 to 700 surrogacy arrangements per year in Canada, with the majority being in Ontario, Alberta, B.C., she says.

It's illegal in Canada to match intended parents and surrogates, says Rhoads-Heinrich. Consultants, like herself, are only allowed to introduce the parties and they must match on their own.

"We also provide prescreening and support to all parties," she says.

Most intended parents will register with a surrogacy agency to connect with surrogates, while others may find a surrogate independently or through a friend or family member, says Rhoads-Heinrich.

Surrogates and intended parents are not always in the same province, but the surrogate will travel for the invitro fertilization process and the intended parents travel to her during the pregnancy and birth.

"A surrogate has never changed her mind in Canada," says Rhoads-Heinrich. "Surrogacy is very safe."

'NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT'

Mary Smith, a Newfoundland woman who isn’t disclosing her real name out of respect for the family she helped, was also a surrogate.

She remembers holding her child for the first time and couldn't imagine the pain of never being able to do that. Her choice to help a family member become a mother was easy after that, she says.

“There are truly no words to describe it,” says Smith. “Seeing them together as a family for the first time after I gave birth was a moment I shall never forget. It was that moment that got me through it all.”

Smith was offered counselling before, during and after the birth, when, or if, she needed it. Except for the initial counselling session that everyone had to do, both Smith and her husband didn’t require it.

She says the baby's family was involved with the pregnancy every step of the way.

"Every appointment, every new moment. It was amazing," she says.

Smith says she never had any emotional trouble with the idea of having to give the baby to his family, knowing he would be very much loved. For her, the hardest part was carrying a child for nine months and going through the normal pregnancy troubles, followed by an emergency csection.

Agnew says there was no difference with her surrogacy pregnancy than with her other three babies. All were extremely straightforward and she would even call them easy. Because her own pregnancies weren’t difficult, it was another reason it was an easy decision to have a baby for her sister.

Smith has regular contact with the family and the child she carried, even becoming his godparent.

Berrey says the same goes for her sister and son.

"Will loves his aunt, and there is a special bond," Berrey says, but adds that bond is also there with her adopted daughter.

BECOMING A SURROGATE

A great surrogacy experience depends on trust, understanding, good communication and respect for all the parties involved, says Rhoads-Heinrich.

Think long and hard on the decision of becoming a surrogate, says Smith. Do research, and reach out to others who have done it before. For her, it helped that the child is a family member, as she thinks it might be harder to do for strangers.

"Make sure you have a solid support team from the very beginning, as there is so much to go through to become a surrogate or a carrier," she says.

“I was blessed to have the intended family as close support for me as well."

Surrogates truly love the experience and are not motivated by money, says RhoadsHeinrich.

"They do not believe they are 'giving up a baby but 'giving the baby back,'" she explains. "It is not hard at all, as they consider it a form of extreme babysitting."

STIGMA AND RE-EDUCATION

Smith says there is a stigma around being a surrogate that she'd like to see change.

“Even as I was carrying the baby, strangers, friends and family would comment on it and make all kinds of wrong assumptions about the arrangement,” she says.

Agnew had the same experience. In fact, she had to stop telling people what she was doing because she faced so much judgment.

People fell into two groups, says Agnew: "They thought it was a wonderful, selfless gift, or they thought it was a very bad idea."

Of everyone, she says children - including her own - took it the best, and the idea didn't phase them at all. Agnew says her children thought the idea was a no-brainer: if Auntie Sylvia couldn’t have babies, they told her, why wouldn't you have one for her?

“The wonder of a child’s outlook on life,” says Agnew.

Surrogacy just isn't something that's often talked about - and that's something Berrey would like to see change.

Berrey also believes it's important to be open and honest with your child, sharing their story with them. She’s always been open with her son, to the point where once, in a sex education class, he put his hand up and told the whole class he was a sperm donor baby.

“There is nothing to hide. We wanted a baby, and we got one,” she says.

She was also very clear with everyone from day one that her son was her child, and not her sister’s baby.

"He looks like her, and I love her for having him for me, but he is my son," says Berrey.

Berrey also cautions people to watch what they say to women who might be struggling with infertility.

"Don’t ask people when they are going to have children, and don’t tell them to relax and it will happen," she adds. "Overall, be kind to others. Keep your eyes out for women who are trying."

Berrey intimately understands that struggle, as she walked that path, and says it was the hardest thing she ever did.

"All those medications mess with your brain, and people don’t understand," she says. "People are cruel and don’t say the right things sometimes."

She'd like to normalize discussions around infertility and encourages people to share their struggle - it might help others, she says.

"Don’t shut them down. Reach out to ladies that are trying. It is hard," Berrey says.

And if you can be a surrogate for someone and offer another woman the gift of being a mother?

"Do it," says Berrey.

Go online: Learn more at https://surrogacy.ca/